Through the bright pink drawn shades of his eye lids Larry could tell that the afternoon sun had begun to finger its way through the heavy yellowed curtains of his room; the hot rays resting heavily across his abdomen, inflated from years of grease and alcohol. He resists cracking his eyes open just yet, choosing instead to remain in the semi-conscience state between wakefulness and sleep, putting off the inevitable protest his body carried out every morning. He knew that once he moved, his muscles would baulk and his stiff joints would object. His lungs are thick with tobacco paste and Larry will have to dislodge it with a series of deep hacks and coughs. With each propulsion from his lungs would come a hammered blow to his already aching head.
Larry decided to move forward toward the day as he came to realize the strong pressure alreadybulging against the silky seams of his bladder. Mustering his strength, he sucked up a deep breath of humid air and heaved hard with his left shoulder and rolled out of his gamey bed. Larry let out the growl the other residents of the hotel had come to anticipate daily and headed toward the shared bathroom at the end of the hall.
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Wow...I like your writing style. Sorry I don't have anything more insightful to say. I like some of your word choices and descriptions...instead of going for the basic description you used more unique wording.
ReplyDeleteI could smell him; it wasn't pleasant.
ReplyDeleteGreat character description...feel like I am in the room with him. (thankfully I'm not) Hope you go with this character - think it will be great.
ReplyDeleteI love Christine's comment -- I too, could smell him. He does not smell like victory....
ReplyDeleteThe language here is beautiful, Jen -- but (here's the suggestion/tip bit of the comment), it struck me as just a bit jarring -- a sharp contrast to the character you're describing. Now, this could in itself be a technique, calling attention, for example, to his lowly nature by describing it in elevated language which might typically be reserved for descibing more noble.
"The silky seams of his bladder" is a fascinating phrase -- but "silky" doesn't seem to suit the object being described. Done with intent, this can make a point in and of itself -- pointing out that there is beauty in all things, for example, or calling attention to our habit of writing this way about some body parts (like "her silky tresses") and not others. Without purpose, the language can risk calling attention to itself -- away from your character. So less a criticism than a caution!